Wish I Couldnt Give Away
by yopgi-chunsa
Summary: A bit of a dark fic on Hermione’s life. Her parents being perfectionists. Her obsession with blades and pins. And finding some one to mend the shattered pieces of her life. [ A hermionedraco fic. fights with ron n harry. accidents with potions. etc.]
1. A Silver Star

WARNING~! THERE ARE SOME SORT OF DARK THEMES IN THIS STORY. That is CUTTING. If you feel this would offend you in any way please don't continue reading.  
  
Disclaimer : Obviously NOT MINE! There are various fics out there involving cutting. Ms Rowling owns all harry potterish stuff. Any stuff you don't recognize is probably mine. My inspiration mainly comes from my own feelings.  
  
Summary : A bit of a dark fic on Hermione's life. Her parents being perfectionists. Her obsession with blades and pins. And finding some one to mend the shattered pieces of her life.  
  
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Wish I Couldn't Give Away  
  
By Samantha Chadwick CHAPTER 1 - A Silver Star  
  
The soft whistling of the wind could be heard just outside, mingled with the sounds of swaying trees, leaves singing their own delightful yet incomprehensible songs. A bird twittered absentmindedly. But the peace was brutally ruptured by the rather random inputs of the neighborhood dogs and their meaningless barking competitions.  
  
She let out a long slow sigh. Almost as if trying to vent out her frustration without actually yelling at the top of her lungs for the dogs to shut up. They had ruined it. They always did. Those times when she could just forget it all and concentrate on the beauty of nature at its most serene.  
  
She scrunched up her already closed eyes, then opened them with a sense of hopelessness. Staring out her bedroom window, past the oak tree's and towards the setting sun. Orange and pink splayed together with a hint of purple. ' Maybe there are some things worth living for' she whispered under her breath. She gazed down at her left wrist. The silver scar of a star glinted up at her. She traced the outline with one finger, remembering the time she had gone to far.  
  
She had always had a strange, but comforting obsession for sharp things. Pins.needles.blades. She liked the feeling of running the point lightly up and down her skin. It almost tickled. She usually had the faint urge to just stab it into her. To feel the searing pain that she could imagine. But she always felt that along with that pain would come calmness over her whole body. That she would be able to let go of all her worries. She could imagine the great comfort that would follow that seemingly simple action. Yet. she always resisted. Almost as though she were saving that time for a special occasion.  
  
That time had come 2 weeks ago. Her report had arrived. A long elegant piece of parchment with sprawling cursive writing, addressed to her Mother and Father. What had followed had been dreadful. She had been the first to find the large tawny barn owl with the parchment tied to its leg. She had recognized what it was the moment she laid eyes on it. With trembling fingers she had unwrapped the parchment. A high-pitched scream reverberated around the room, dying in her throat once she had realized that scream was issued from her. With a startled hoot the owl had soared out the window, and her father had ran into the room, puffing slightly. He roughly grabbed the parchment from her and skimmed it with beady eyes. What had once been a smile on his slips slowly twisted into a frown. What had followed was a stern lecture from her parents. Her father had slapped her across the cheek. " This year you WILL come first! We've done everything for you! All we ever wanted was for our daughter to be the best. And now that we cant have any more children you are our last hope. I hope your happy for all the pain you have caused us."  
  
Then the guilt had set in. True, she had come first in 3 out of 8 classes. But that was nothing compared to the last 5 years, coming top of them all and getting over 100% in every test. It wasn't entirely her fault. But the fact still remained, she should have tried harder, worked harder, and strived to win. No matter coming 2nd in the other 4 classes, and scraping a 3rd in potions. She knew that she could have done it if she had put in the effort. She knew she was smarter then them all. It was a fact.  
  
That night she had sat cross-legged on her bed, holding her dragon blade in her hand and watching the light reflect and shimmer off the surface. Her mind drifted from her relentless thoughts on her future, and her eyes subconsciously strayed to the reflection in the blade. She gazed into to two large cinnamon eyes, emotionless. almost as if the owner had died inside. She continued to stare in horror; her breath hitching as she slowly realized those eyes belonged to her. Maybe it was to prove top herself that she was still alive. maybe it was just her fascination with sharp objects. Whatever the reason, she quickly, yet slightly, slashed onto her upturned wrist. Random lines, that later took on the formation of a star.  
  
Breathing heavily she watched the red welts, a single drop of blood trailing down her arm as she lifted it towards her face. The blade dropped to the ground with a soft thud. And Hermione suppressed a trembling sob, as she burst into tears. Gently rocking to and fro, matching the rhythm of the trees.  
  
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The carriage lurched forward, almost sending Hermione flying from her seat into the opposite wall. She grumbled as she righted herself once more and gazed out her compartment window, into the soft spluttering drizzle outside. It almost seemed as though the rain drops where in slow motion, floating down to the ground, before coming to a sudden stop with an audible splat. ' Just like me' she thought. Though her graceful journey had ended a year ago, and she was still lying on the floor of life. Shattered. Unmoving. Secretly praying to be evaporated and made whole again. But most wishes were pointless fantasies. And her soul continued to be stepped on again and again, by the careless feet of passer bys. Never wondering who or what they would hurt in their haste to continue their own mediocre lives. She only hoped that one-day, she would find the meaning of her own life.  
  
She turned and observed the deserted compartment she was in. The plush benches on both sides, and polished wood. She had deliberately avoided Harry and Ron. Though she doubted they would notice her absence. They had started spending less and less time together over the last year. They were too preoccupied with quidditch and their girlfriends. She had in a way, been given the flick, like an old dog when a new puppy comes along. In this case. there were two.  
  
She would have at least expected Harry to notice her change in demeanor. But he was in a world of his own. His world. His problems. Though she guessed she couldn't blame him too much with all the shit he had had to put up with. Ron on the other hand, had no excuse.  
  
A sharp knock on the door brought Hermione out of her reverie and she almost jumped in shock when it slowly opened to reveal Professor Snape, sneering at her with disgust. Hermione simply turned a bland emotionless face towards him, clearly waiting for him to explain himself. He glowered slightly before spitting out something about their being a mistake over the holidays and the head boy and girl letters not being sent. Snape almost half expected her to be beaming at him, or jumping up and down in excitement (Which she had been known to do in previous years) , when she discovered what he was hinting at.  
  
But the same unreadable face was looking, just over his right shoulder, almost as if she was bored. "Ahem" coughed Snape, sort of startled by the lack of reaction from the student in question. " That is to say. you are Head Girl this year." Hermione gazed up at him with a slightly puzzled face. "Oh." she whispered, so quietly that he almost didn't catch it. With raised eyebrows Snape exited the compartment, mumbling something about her receiving her badge and duties later that evening.  
  
She supposed she should have done something. Perhaps jump up and hug Snape. Or maybe cry out in excitement. After all that was what she had been aiming for since she first read Hogwarts: A history. Head Girl. But to be honest, at this point in time she almost didn't give a damn. Maybe just to spite her parents, she had been slightly glad when the letter had not turned up with her school supplies list. But then the guilt started to leak back into her mind.  
  
A heavy feeling settled into her head and heart as she remembered that they had beaten her. Tears welled up in her eyes, and a lump formed in her throat. She quickly shoved her hand into her pocket. searching. seeking out the comfort of the cool metal. She stroked the blade, letting out a little gasp as it cut into the soft flesh of her fore finger. She sighed as a feeling of reassurance swept over her. " This year", she murmured, " this year I will beat them all."  
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Draco stood just outside the open compartment, going unnoticed as he gazed in at the mudblood. He had heard her reaction to Snapes news, and was slightly surprised. He had, after all, expected her to be jumping up and down like a beaver and squealing like a pig. Instead, he stood there, minutes after Snape had left. Watching her eyes sparkle slightly, as they filled up with unshed tears.  
  
He had been observing her over the past half year. And he had to admit. She had changed. Gone was the girl with the lazy grin, jumping up in class with her arm waving frantically if she knew an answer. No, she had sat there and watched the other students answer, looking slightly smug, but sorry, when they got it incorrect. Her eyes no longer glimmered with happiness, and she usually had a blank face. Emotionless. Like she had built a wall up around her self, protecting her self from the outside world. Or as if she just didn't give a damn any more. She spent more and more time on her own. In the library, or down by the lake. He had also noticed an unusual habit she had. She would usually hold a thumbtack in her hand, subconsciously pressing the tip of it against her thumb as she worked. He had noticed when he had once heard her yelp in Arithmancy. Everyone had looked at her whilst she held her hand. Draco, being on her left saw her put the thumbtack down before resuming with her work. He continued to check each lesson to see if she was holding one. And the scary thing was. she more often than not was.  
  
Draco heard the shuffle of feet and the click of an apartment door sliding open. He hastily headed towards his own empty compartment. His mind whirling with thoughts about granger, her pins, and his own problems. ' I will figure her out some day' he muttered under his breath  
  
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The train gave a soft hoot before slowly coming to a stop at Hogsmeade. Crookshanks mewed loudly until Hermione dragged herself up, grabbed her backpack and Crookshanks. And wandered out of her compartment towards the train exit. Draco trailed behind her, watching as she fidgeted with Crookshanks, trying to find an empty carriage. She finally found one at the back, and climbed in. Almost positive no one else would be joining her.  
  
However, she was wrong. Draco waited a full 3 minutes before climbing into the carriage and sitting opposite Hermione. She looked at him with raised eyebrows, before turning and indifferent face towards the window, gazing out at the stars above. Her hand was in her pocket. Her fingers caressing the soft metal of the blade. She allowed her self a small ironic smile.  
  
'I'm writing to you not to tell you, that I still hate you just to ask you how you feel.'  
  
Draco watched her for a short while. He had an incomprehensible urge to say something. anything.  
  
'Don't say a word I know you feel the same Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Please don't walk away I know you wanna stay Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything.'  
  
The trip to Hogwarts was silent. But there was no awkward silence. They both sort of felt. right. sitting together. Though none of them would ever admit it. Hermione's thoughts danced over the prospect of the coming year. And Draco observed Hermione, slightly amused., When the carriage came to a sudden stop She went flying into Draco who caught her gracefully. She was waiting for the bighting words to spurt out of his mouth, but looking up into his eyes she understood. There was no longer a malicious hate towards her. They locked eyes for a second. Before she swept out of the carriage, almost tripping over the last step. Draco let out a deep chuckle. And Hermione grumbled audibly. Yes something had definitely changed about the both of them. They started the trek up to the front doors of Hogwarts. Draco yet again trailing behind Hermione.  
  
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Well that's the first chapter. Let me know what you think. I'll try and update a.s.a.p . sorry if the fic offends any one! 


	2. Losing Control

Welcome to chapter 2! Also if you would like to join a mailing list, tell me in ur review, and leave an email address ^^ thankz By the way stuff in [ ] is lyrics from songs. Usually good charlotte, I LOVE their songs. I hope I'm keeping Draco in character enough for u guys ^_- Thanks for reviewing DemonWitch666, porphyria, indessciare , Chach-A-Lot, matilda  
  
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bWish I Couldn't Give Away /b  
  
By Samantha Chadwick  
  
CHAPTER 2 - Losing Control  
  
She was shoved left and right as the students around her hurried towards the great hall, eagerly awaiting the feast ahead. She glared at the back of the heads of anyone pushing ahead of her. When Ron roughly knocked into her. Causing her to fall to the ground, something finally snapped inside of her. " WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM RON WEASLEY! ARE YOU BLINDED BY YOUR INSUFFERABLE HUNGER OR DO YOU JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT THAT THERE ' ARE' OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS PLACE! AND 'NONE' OF THEM APPRECIATE BEING SHOVED OUT OF THE WAY AS IF WE WERE BRANCHES ON A MOUNTAIN TRAIL! " Her voice boomed over the crowd, as loud as a howler. And heads shot up, looking in her general direction. She slapped him. Breathing heavily and not taking any notice of the shocked look on his face she continued towards the Hogwarts doors.  
  
* 'Emergency, call 911, she's pissed off at every one. Police rescue FBI, she wants a riot, she wants a riot.*  
  
A hand shot out and wrapped its self around Hermione's hair, giving it a hard tug. A murderous glint appeared in her eyes and she whirled around to find herself facing Lavender Brown. " Don't you dare slap my boyfriend! " she cried, raising her hand, as if to slap Hermione. Hermione laughed. Causing everyone around her to give her a strange look. " Oh that's rich" she breathed through a giggle. Lavender looked furious. And took a step closer to Hermione..  
  
" Well, well, well" interrupted a drawling silvery voice. Draco turned up right in front of them, slipping through the crowd. " So the mud blood finally got the guts to slap her little ex. I was kind of hoping for it to happen sooner. Though I must admit he finally deserved it. No 'MAN' would shove a girl to the floor, for food. That's pathetic." He took a quick glance at Lavender, eyes her up and down. " I wouldn't start a fight if I were you" he said towards her. " But if you must, I'm betting my money on Granger." Hermione let out a snort. " Always the one for interruptions, aren't we Malfoy?" she questioned, giving him a sly smile. At this point in time she was finding everything hilarious. Maybe this was her reaction to the news of head girl? Going psycho. it was a few hours delayed. Draco gave her a smirk. " Well I couldn't exactly let this lovely, if extremely stupid, bint, get her arse kicked could I?". "Excu - " started Lavender huffily, but was quieted, when Draco lifted a hand in front of her face, as if a stop sign. Hermione gave her a slow wink. Then ploughed through the crowd. Who parted to let her through.  
  
Draco stood there a bit longer. Smirking at Harry and Ron. Ron was glaring at Draco. ' How dare he say that about my girl?' he thought. But before he could run up and pound him into the ground, Lavender had collapsed on top of him in tears. Malfoy had disappeared.  
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Hermione sat at the far end of the Gryffindor table. Wedged between whom she would call her only 'proper' friends in gryffindor. Neville and Ginny. Ginny had seen what had happened out side. And had said Hermione had every right to slap him, he could be such a prat at times. Neville kept sending quick looks towards Ginny, blushing slightly when she beamed at him. Hermione let out a small smile. "Thank god I made Head Girl" she said, letting Ginny and Neville say their congratulations before continuing. " Now I have my own room so I wont have to put up with the silent treatment from Lavender and Pavarti." ' They would so have killed me' she added to her self. Letting her gaze wonder towards the top end of the table, where the other year 7's sat. Lavender and Pavarti where sitting on Ron and Harry's laps, cuddling and cooing. It was revolting. They sounded like a pair of pigeons.  
  
Before Hermione could continue her thoughts, Mcgonagal entered with the new first years. They looked tiny and petrified. As the sorting commenced she couldn't help but try to guess what would happen to them in the future. She spotted a small girl, lean and slender. With curling blonde hair, and a dazzling smile. The glint in her eyes behind her glasses reminded Hermione of what she had been when she was sorted. Eager and happy. Extremely happy. She clapped lazily as she was sorted into gryffindor.  
  
' The tall boy.' she mused, ' with the brown hair, and cute looks. His face is spoiled by that scowl he has. I suppose he will be a slytherin. but he doesn't look like the type to bully.' Her prediction was right, of course, Anthony Zapsterdy was indeed sorted into slytherin. A few moments later a hand came into focus in front of her face. Waving frantically. " Hermione!" whispered Ginny loudly, " hello? Hermione!!!". " wha?" mumbled Hermione, shaking her head as she tried to concentrate on her eager friend. That's what Ginny was. Happy. Full of energy. But loving and caring. She and Hermione had become good friends, ever since Ginny's first year. and the incident with Voldemort. It had scarred her for life.  
  
Nearly everyone shunned her. Except for her Ravenclaw friends that was, and Hermione and Neville. A group of 4 6th year Ravenclaw girls had adopted Ginny into their group. She may have been a year below, but that didn't stop them from being best friends. They also invited Hermione and Neville to hang out with them some times. But both of them didn't want to seem as intruders. Hermione would sometimes study with them, but usually escape to the library, or lake. And Neville, to his green house.  
  
Hermione snapped out of her thoughts once again, when Ginny pinched her on the arm. "Ow!" she grumbled, rubbing the stop tenderly. " Hey! We were trying to get your attention! Neville had just asked you 3 times if you knew who the head boy was!" " Oh" whispered Hermione. " Not a clue, sorry". Ginny was just about to tell them who she thought it would be when they where interrupted by Mcgonagol giving a loud cough, and tapping on her crystal goblet with a knife. The sound reverberated around the room, bring the whispered conversations to a close, as everyone turned to wards the head table, awaiting Dumbledores beginning of term speech. " Welcome!" boomed his voice, a slight twinkle in his eyes. " We must give thanks again!" he cried, " that the war is over! And there have been no student casualties! " Harry had defeated Voldemort in the beginning of his 6th year. But Dumbledore still gave thanks at every opportunity. " On a happier note" he continued, " we are back for another amazing year at Hogwarts. Where the 5th years will be studying hard for their O.W.L.S and the year 7s completing their N.E.W.Ts! The forbidden forest is still banned to all years. For a list of items Filch has prohibited from the corridors, please check the list on his office door. And last but not least, its time to announce the Head boy and Girl." He paused here.  
  
Everyone waited with baited breath. " This year we have a very unusual circumstance. But before I go into that, our Head girl this year, will be none other then. HERMIONE GRANGER!" Hermione stood nervously. The hall was silent, except for a strangled sob let out by Pansy Parkinson, and the ferocious clapping of Ginny and Neville. Then something quite unexpected happened. Draco jumped up on his seat. " WHOOOO!" he shouted, clapping his hands loudly. Everyone stared at him. " GO BEAVER!" Hermione let out a loud chuckle. But you could see the hurt in her eyes. Not from what Draco said. But the fact that only 3 people were clapping. Her eyes softened slightly when she caught Draco whistling loudly. She sat down again. And after the stunned silence, the Ravenclaw table let out a deafening roar of appreciation. Followed by a cheer from Hufflepuff, and the polite claps from Gryffindor.  
  
Once the noise had died down, Dumbledore continued. " Now, er... Well. As I mention before we have a rather unusual circumstance, involving head boy. The staff had a vote, and I'm afraid it's a tie. Because of this we have decided one shall take care of head duty, for the first half of the year. And the other, for the second half. The one not on head duty will be made a special prefect." Everyone look curiously towards the head table. This was definitely a first. " For the first half" continued dumbledore. " We have Terry Boot!" The Ravenclaw table burst into applause and cheers. And Terry stood up beaming smugly around the hall. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff soon followed the Ravenclaws example. But the Slytherin table remained quiet, a few sniggering in distaste.  
  
" Now, now, please calm down everyone. " The hall returned to a quieted hush. " Our second head boy, is none other then." Hermione gasped in expense. Everyone waiting, tense. " Draco Malfoy". The slytherin table burst into a deafening roar of applause, drowning out the gryffindors moans. Hermione had the sudden urge to call out. And obeying that urge she jumped up and yelled out clearly. " YEA!!!!! GO FERRET BOY!" causing Draco to chuckle deeply.  
  
Draco smirked as his housemates patted him on the back in congratulations. He was, however, undeniably upset to have to share the role of Head Boy. He had sort of known he would be it. He had always worked hard. bludged, but worked just hard enough to make it. And not gotten into TOO much trouble. Glancing around the hall he spotted Hermione, deep in conversation with Ginny and Neville. The feast had commenced, and she was poking at her chicken with her fork, clearly not interested in eating it. She did, however seem happier now she was with her two friends. But not happy enough. He noticed she was never fully happy.  
  
He was brought back to reality when he noticed Harry glaring at him. Draco did his trademark sneer. Beating Potter at head boy. Priceless. Next to him Ron appeared to be sulking slightly, throwing guilty looks in Hermione's direction until being distracted by Lavender, who pinched him on the arm before enveloping him in a very desperate looking kiss. Draco shuddered. And averted his eyes before he would be scarred for life. Pansy was a few seats down from him. Sobbing to her friends about not making head girl. The girl never stood a chance. And one of her unsympathetic friends pointed it out, receiving a shriek from Pansy. Draco winced. He was sitting with the closest thing he had to a friend. Blaise Zabini. He had long since ditched Crabbe and Goyle, the useless gits. Zabini was currently eyeing Ginny. " Reckon I'd stand a chance with her?" he murmured. Draco snorted. " That perky bint? A gryffindor. Ha! If you could get through her brother." Draco shook his head smiling. " Actually" he said, once he twigged, " try it. It would piss off Weasel." Blaise nodded smiling. However that wasn't exactly the reason why he wanted her. She looked hot.and innocent. An easy catch.  
  
Mean while, at the Gryffindor table it was an entirely different story all together. Ginny was chatting animatedly to Hermione and Neville. Receiving Neville's rapt attention, and an occasional grunt from Hermione. Both Neville and Ginny were contentedly shoveling food into their mouths. But the site of it made Hermione feel sick. She had barely managed some chicken and mashed potato. And, she had only eaten them because of the look Ginny was giving her. Ginny always made sure she ate something. Hermione gave up gazing at her food, and instead lifted her knife and admired it. It wasn't as nice as her dragon blade. But Hogwarts had definitely outdone them selves on the cutlery.  
  
On the handle was a pattern of fairy's fluttering about. Hermione had never noticed it before. ' Must be new' she mused. She poked the handle with a finger, and felt a tingle down her spine. She poked again. She was about to poke a third time when she felt a hand on her shoulder causing her to jump about a meter. She turned in her seat, to see Ron standing behind her, looking at his feet guiltily. " Uhm, hey 'mione. " he said softly. Hermione cringed at the use of her nickname. She no longer appreciated hearing it from his mouth. "I, I'm sorry about before. I didn't see you, ya know?" Wrong choice of words. Hermione's face hardened more. " Right" she said tersely. Ron's face brightened, thinking Hermione had forgiven him. "No hard feelings, yea? See you around" me grinned, walking back to his section of the table. Neville glared after Ron, whilst Hermione moodily turned back to examining her knife. " Sometimes.." muttered Neville, " Sometimes I just feel like punching that guy." " We all do , Nev." Nodded Ginny. " I practically did an hour ago" Hermione inputted, causing her friends to laugh. She managed a small smile. But still felt depressed. ' What a way to start the year.'  
  
* My girls. A hot girl. A riot girl, and she's angry at the world! *  
  
Draco watched Ron and Hermione from a distance. He could tell by how stiff she was sitting that it wasn't going too well for Ron. He must have been oblivious to this though, as he smiled and returned to his girlfriend. " Oi, Draco, you there?" Blaise shoved him playfully. Draco grinned, before whacking him over the head. An interesting way to start the year indeed.  
  
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Well there it is. I think it may seem a bit rushed, sorry. I hope you like it. Let me know. Lotsa love, Yopgi Chunsa 


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